When the heart stops caring

I think, miraculously, I have somehow located the 'care' button in my heart, and switched it off. No no. Not the 'care' button. The 'care-that-shows-on-your-face' button. Yeah THAT button. Its a real strange feeling. You really can't feel anything, and no emotions is shown, but woah your mind will not stop thinking. These few months back, I have countlessly lied to myself. Same old lie 'I am okay'. Same old trick, laughing as if I haven't got a care in the world.

• I'm really buzzing!
• I'm having a really peachy time!
• I'm walking on air!
• I'm on cloud nine!
• I'm totally over the moon!
• Everything's cool!

I googled what a in-a-good-mood-person will say. Yeah, the above. You see, a depressed person would say the same things with the same expressions. Except they are faking it. 

Sometimes I think I am sincerely happy. I am not faking anything. And yet I find myself crying myself to sleep at night. Why is that? I figured out the answer.

BECAUSE I CARED

Who knew that such an innocent feeling, caring, could cause someone so much pain? I never expected that. I was not ready for the fall. And I did fall. It wasn't a soft landing. *OUCH*

"Unexpected. I wiped the tears and put myself in ignorance saying "I'm okay" repeatedly. The biggest lie I continuously telling myself. I'm in a very long state of denial. Pretending like I am the happiest man alive to the world, when the reality was, my heart is aching, unimaginable aching heart with tangled thoughts inside. And what was in my head cannot be described, a whole lot of scratchy endless thought of worries, fear and unwritten hopes."

(Kamal Effendi, 2012)

Sometimes you forget the balance in life. Like there is day, so there must be night. There is men in this world, so there must be women too. The yin and yang concept, y'know whaddaimean? Well I guess in the moment of pure happiness, I forgotten that there must be sadness too. But is this bad? No, to have known sadness, it means I have came to learn happiness too. And every bit of happiness, I will treasure. And the people who helped me in achieving those rays of happiness, I will not forget. 

As always, I try to see the positive in this whole fiasco-in-my heart thingy. Yes, things looks super messed up right now.But dear Mr.Wikipedia here wrote on 'Yin and Yang' : 'Everything has both yin and yang aspects as light could not be understood if darkness didn't exist, and shadow cannot exist without light.' It a cycle really. To know sadness, you must have felt happiness. And to know happiness, you must have felt sadness. I am in my sadness phase. And that's okay. Because when my future happiness comes, I will be able to appreciate it better. Insyaallah. Rainbow after the rain Soffea, rainbow after the rain. Remember that. 

Of course I would be lying to say I am on the verge of tears at every moment of the day or I am completely unhappy with the way things are. I have laughed happily too. Smiled sincerely. And felt happiness and cherished the moments. But this thing, this thing that is at the back of my mind. Its like that one tiny black dot on a pure clean paper that just spoils everything. Am I ungrateful? No, Alhamdulillah praises to Allah, I can honestly say, I am happy. I might not be 100% but I know for a fact, I am by far luckier than others. 

But my heart is aching. 

It hurts. Deep. But I am already healing. bit by bit. 

At first I was angry. But as time passes, I realized what I am feeling is disappointment. You expect too much, you hope too high, and that is what you will get. The only one who will not disappoint you is Allah. I have prayed that this 'issue' of mine will be resolved. I will include it my dua after each prayer. But Allah have not yet granted my wish. Why? Remember that during a test, the teacher is quiet. Allah is testing me, and I pray now that I be a stronger being, so that I will come out even stronger :) Amin.

Even though I am spreading 'wise' words here in my blog, I have taken foolish actions. I don't know what might the consequences be, but at the moment, I am too numb to feel anything. I have stopped caring. The heart doesn't feel anything, but the brain knows better. Well Mr. Brainy, it would be helpful if you can go numb like your peer Mr.Heart but I guess asking that would be asking myself to be turned into a robot. 

I am coping. I am.And I am not faking it, no lie. My heart stopped caring, but just remember, its actually the brain that controls the emotions. I just wish things won't go so bad that my brain stopped caring too. That  would be drastic. I wouldn't want that.And hopefully, I will not do the things I don't want. 

Btw. I've deleted everything.Almost. I once said I regretted my choice, but not this time. It gave me a piece of mind, a release of a burden. This time, I am willingly letting go the things I must let go. Alhamdulillah Allah has granted this peace in my heart. I have moved on, but not far. But far enough to know, that there is no turning back. Not far enough to be completely sure that I will not look back at the past without tears glistening in my eyes. 

I have made my plans, but if Allah has a greater plan, then I accept. :)