So I saw the above picture on my Facebook timeline.. and it got me thinking. If there is just 1 lesson, just ONE thing, I learnt from my past relationship, what would it be?
After a while, I think I know.
I really, really, reallllllllyyyyyy like intelligent men. Like soooo much. I've had a crush on at least 3 men on my Facebook simply for the way they express their opinions. My ex was doing his PhD when I knew him, and he was... somewhat wise. And he really did teach me a bunch of stuff.
Nway, my lesson was that no matter how intelligent he is (and no matter how much of a sapiosexual you are), its meaningless when he is insecure with YOUR intelligence. Or if he's so acutely aware of his own intelligence he has an overly-bloated ego.
One time, I entered this conference where I presented my paper and his (coz he couldn't attend)...My paper won, and his reaction upon hearing the news of my win was
"Are you sure the committees didn't get our papers mixed up?"
And such microaggressions where he implied he's smarter than me was constant. Mind you, I entered two more conferences where my paper was accepted but his wasn't, ahaks.
He thinks my opinionated rants are "attention-seeking" and a "thirst for popularity"
And whenever our opinions clash, its coz "im too young and dumb to know better" and that "in 10 years time you will know I was right".
 |
| When I simply shared with him the responses to my FB post |
I guess I stayed coz, with my imposter syndrome and all, I didn't think he was all that wrong. Maybe I am dumb. I don't think he has ever said he is proud of me, like ever. We don't celebrate my achievements either; it was always him. Celebrated when he got APC, but not when I got it. Celebrated when he passed his proposal defense, but nothing when I passed anything.
Why did I hold on so long? Maybe coz I feel intelligent men who can really impress me + wants me to boot, isnt all that plentiful, so I should just settle? idk. It hurts my ego when I think I stayed for as long as I did.
Anyway, the guy I'm talking to right now? In less than a month since we started talking (often), he has already told me he's proud of me and encouraged me to pursue sooooooooooo many things like scholarships and Guru Cemerlang, and I'm so terharu coz like how are you so confident in me 😭😭😭😭😭😭 Plus he's way smarter than my ex and humble too! My ex never denied it whenever I praised him "bijak", but this new guy, he keeps saying he isn't all that and that there are way more men more intelligent than he is huhu. The fact he uses correct grammar and spells in full are like super added bonuses.
Isn't life beautiful tho? Like what are the chances me of knowing him, right after I've fallen out with my ex? Even if we dont end up to be "endgame", he's just what I needed after years of crushed self-esteem. Its like he healed me.
All in God's planning. Just trust.
The lesson here is really, don't ignore red flags simply because the red flag has a bit of patterns that you happen to really like. Like, its not worth to stay for the patterns when the red dominatesssssss. Haha.
p/s if he (new guy) reads this, I hope he doesn't acknowledge it (to me). It would just be too embarrassing.
No comments:
Post a Comment